Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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