If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
