What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
