$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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