life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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