I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
