they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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