you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
