I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
