Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
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Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
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The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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