I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You can't special order awesome
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
