remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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