my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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