I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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