I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
