You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
