why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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