lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
