i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
