I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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