i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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