Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
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HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize