Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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