I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
