i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
