I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
