Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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