Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
