someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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