Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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