bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
