god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
