You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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