I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
