When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
