If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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