dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
