If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
