Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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