tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
