How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
