I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
