I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
