just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
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