Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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