I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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