my mouth tastes like poor choices
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
