it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
