Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
