my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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