when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
