I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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