worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
