the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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