So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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