It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
