I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
