please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
