i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
