remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
